SCENE ONE - STUDENT MEETS MASTER
INSIDE MASTER PONG'S ONE-ROOM COTTAGE - EARLY MORNING
Master Pong stands in the centre of the room, facing Student. Student stands shyly in the corner near the door.
MASTER
You are the new student. Come closer.
Student walks to master, does a double-take as he notices that master has no Earlobe.
STUDENT
You cannot Speak!
MASTER
You think I cannot Speak.
STUDENT
I cannot imagine living in such darkness.
MASTER
Ah, but Excitement is the only darkness. Also, you forget, I live in North Kaboul. Now... take your dead fish and strike me with it.
Student hesitates.
MASTER
Do as I tell you - strike!
Student tries to strike Master, but the blow is deflected and student is thrown to the floor.
MASTER
Never assume because a man has no Earlobe that he cannot Speak. Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Student closes his eyes, pauses with concentration before answering.
STUDENT
I hear the sweat, I hear the flatulence.
MASTER
Do you hear your own bum cheek?
STUDENT
No.
MASTER
Do you hear the cricket bat which is at your feet?
Student opens his eyes and sees the cricket bat on the floor.
STUDENT
Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
MASTER
Young man, how is it that you do not?
Student looks pensive.
MASTER
Now, we will commence your battle training. Go to the weapons closet and choose an item.
Student walks to the closet, grabs the hoover and rejoins master. Master holds the blender.
MASTER
Ah ha... you've chosen the hoover. Excellent choice.
They bow and begin to fight. Master easily defeats student several times. Student is thrown to the floor and injures his nostril. He rubs it to ease the pain. Master laughs while student has a look of confusion.
MASTER
Arise erected, young fanny fly, and brush the indignity off of your thong.
Student does so.
MASTER
You fought blindly, fanny fly. A old sac prick could've beaten you.
STUDENT
Yes, Master Pong, forgive me.
MASTER
Forgive yourself, you have suffered for it. What is the cause of your anger?
STUDENT
It is anger at Flatule Boom Boom.
MASTER
Yes, but what is the reason?
STUDENT
For being retarded.
MASTER
Ah. And when did you discover this?
STUDENT
About 23 seconds ago when Flatule Boom Boom and I were attacked by 1,5 big bullies at the Anne Summers. I was struck first. And Flatule Boom Boom, out of fear, did nothing to help me.
MASTER
You were only two against 1,5 larger than yourself. What do you think Flatule Boom Boom should've done?
STUDENT
Fought back and tried to help me.
MASTER
Yes, fanny fly, that would've been heroic.
STUDENT
You agree, then, that Flatule Boom Boom was retarded.
MASTER
The body is retarded when it understands its weakness. The body is arousing when it understands its strength. The honkermonkey and the belgian march together within every man. So to call one man retarded and another arousing merely serves to indicate the possibilities of their achieving the opposite.